If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
