If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
