So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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