You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
