Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
