Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
