i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
