and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If I die, sorry about rent.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
