At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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