ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
