i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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