My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
