genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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