I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
