so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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