Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
