I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
