I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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