You're my little dorito
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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