I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
