I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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