Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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