Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
