I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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