since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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