We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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