I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
