Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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