So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
