Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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