so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
