thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
