So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
