look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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