How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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