I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
