Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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