Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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