omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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