I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I enjoy the company of your penis
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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