Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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