I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
