If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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