Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
