Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
