Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
