I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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