opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
