Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
