I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
