how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Randomize
