I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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