Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
