allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
